I’m not ready to talk about it.
(I know, I’m showing up in your inbox pretty late in the month. Better late than never, they say.)
I have a lean towards oversharing. Honestly, I’m not really sure what metric I use when I’m measuring that in myself, but it’s something I just kind of know. I can be too open with people too fast. I get excited when we have something in common, good or bad, and I want to share. The way I see it is if I see myself in your story, or you see yourself in mine, shouldn't we say if we get the chance?
At any rate, at the end of September, I posted on Instagram that I needed a break and signed out of all of my social media platforms that night without a return date planned. There’s nothing like social media to make me feel like I have to be sharing things all the time.
The truth is that life has been a lot lately. The truth is that this year has taken so many twists and turns that I have whiplash. The truth is that it has felt like when I’ve had a moment to process the last storm, another tsunami crashes in.
I once heard seasons like this described as “crushing seasons.” You know, one of those seasons where the rug is pulled out from under you, and no empty platitude or well-wish is going to help the discombobulation. You’re just flat on your back, and staring at the ceiling wondering what the heck just happened.
That’s where I am. That’s where my family is. We’re all lying on the floor, looking at each other like, “...wait. What in the world just happened?”
In the midst of it all, I’ve become very aware of the things I have on my plate. That happens when you’re getting sloshed around, and things start falling off said plate. No matter how hard you try you just can’t keep everything steady on that gosh darn plate.
And I’ve become very aware of noise. Good noise, bad noise. All the noise we have in our lives. Facebook is just not noise I’m willing to have in my life. Because, as we all know, people are straight up stupid on Facebook.
I needed the permission to not post my cup of coffee, or the sunset, or my walk with my husband. I needed to be as present as possible to every moment that didn’t feel like…noise.
So, no. I’m not ready to make a 400 word post about all this year has held and meant for me. But here’s what I know - I will be ready eventually. And when I am, I’m going to share. Because I’m not the only one that’s faced spiritual abuse, or a diagnosis I didn’t expect, or people divorcing, or lost relationships, or complete disappointment, or sickness, or mental illness, or…you get the picture. And when I share, I have a pretty good feeling it will be mostly with this little email list, this little community we've somehow formed.
Here’s what I also know. Hope is still alive and well, and goodness and beauty are still finding me every single day of my life. We don’t talk about, write about, sing about “lovely things” and “being soft” because we’re ignoring the pain in our lives. We acknowledge lovely things because they remind and convince us of that goodness and beauty that are finding us. We stay soft because what other way is there to really actually live?
To take care of yourself...Friend, what’s one noisy thing you can take off of your plate? If that’s social media, take a break. If that’s a certain show you’ve been watching, book you’ve been reading, the gym, that diet, that relationship, that project, take a break. Big or small, take some time to consider what that thing is, and then take a break from the thing you’re having to work so hard to keep on your plate.
Secondly, and optionally, I had an idea. I’m not on my personal social media at the moment, so I haven’t seen updates, or pictures of coffee, or sunsets, or your babies, or anything of the like in a few weeks. If you want to, reply to this email and send me a lovely (or not so lovely, if that's what you need) update. For example, look at my new bird watching sticker in the picture below. I mean can you? Can you even?!
Maybe you’re the kind of person that doesn’t share very often. It can be good for the soul to share something about your life. Show me what you’re making, tell me about the project you’re working on, fill me in on the hilarious thing your kid said. If I have enough responses from you all, maybe I’ll put together a little virtual scrapbook for us. :)
To connect with God...My time with God has looked very different than it ever has lately. I’ve been making my cup of coffee, sitting on my bed, and staring out of the window for a while. I’ve taken a break from journaling altogether (I know some of you just grabbed your chests and gasped..I am so very sorry..). I’ve been slowly reading through Isaiah, and letting God’s anger towards injustice and response to the people He loves be a comfort to me. And then, I’ve been focusing on my breath for a few minutes. That’s it.
My encouragement to you is to remove something noisy from your walk with God. Ask the Holy Spirit what that thing is. He’ll bring it to the surface. You don’t have to make Him lead you. He’ll just lead.
In the meantime, here is a Scripture I’ve been holding onto with both hands:
Listen to me now. Give me your closest attention.
Do farmers plow and plow and do nothing but plow? Or harrow and harrow and do nothing but harrow?
After they've prepared the ground, don't they plant? Don't they scatter dill and spread cumin, Plant wheat and barley in the fields and raspberries along the borders?
They know exactly what to do and when to do it. Their God is their teacher.
And at the harvest, the delicate herbs and spices, the dill and cumin, are treated delicately.
On the other hand, wheat is threshed and milled, but still not endlessly. The farmer knows how to treat each kind of grain.
He's learned it all from God-of-the-Angel-Armies, who knows everything about when and how and where.
Isaiah 28:23-29 MSG
& something lovely...In 2021, I went on a retreat in Sofia, North Carolina. The whole retreat was centered around the theme of being a “wholehearted woman.” What it means to be a wholehearted woman, and to live wholeheartedly. They started our week by reading the poem below. It’s lovely, and I read it sometimes to remind myself. I hope you love it as much as I do.
Becoming a Wholehearted Woman
She is soft and strong
Powerful and humble
Quiet and loud
Whispers and screams
Solitude and friendship
Shallow water and the deep
Slow and fast
Tears and laughter
Flexible and intentional
Tired and awake
Discerning and forgiving
Able to listen and willing to speak
Slow to give answers and quick to pray
Protects and is protected
She has permission to become
a full expression
She is worth the time, energy, and work
She doesn't easily give up
and doesn't strive
She celebrates without comparison
Asks hard questions
and doesn't settle for half-hearted answers
She practices honesty
and offers empathy
She is angry about injustice
but not full of rage
She grieves without losing hope
Seeks wisdom and receives
the space to learn
She is worth becoming
You are worth becoming
I don’t know so many of you, but I feel like I do. I’m so glad you’re here, and that I get to write you these notes, reminding you to be human. Turns out that it’s looking like I’m really reminding myself to be human most of the time.
Until November…
Your Softie Friend,
Kiersten